she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
this is an emotional support booty call
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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