I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
