I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
