girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
