Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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