Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
