I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
