I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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