i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I will be naked everywhere
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
