i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
