I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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