I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
