I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
