the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
time to smoke my breakfast
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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