Just fell off a train. Bad.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
