im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
