come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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