too bad you live with your parents still
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
