my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
