I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
