9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
