dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
