my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
