My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
