John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
