I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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