This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm at about main and main street
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
