when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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