And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
