The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
