dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
