You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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