1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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