I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
