Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
