Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Randomize
