Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
