Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
