3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
