Please, let me fuck your mom
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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