i jhust puked up my retainher.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
