ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
don't judge my taste in strippers
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
