My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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