I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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