Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
