I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
