I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Can you bring me the toilet please
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
