You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
