which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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