Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
