i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
