My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
